This Post Doesn't Deserve A Title

YO SOY MUY TRISTE! No one except Dan (because I nagged him for 5 days) and 2 other anonymous pollsters (I kindly ask that you reveal yourselves) voted on my quick witted poll. Did none of you get my email about my blog. Actually from an outsiders perspective who has time to comment or even read a blog but it makes Max and I feel like we are contributing to the Interweb when we're bored at home (max may or may not but definitely does have these same feelings on this subject). Oh yeah, right now I am in the process of creating the PLEASE HELP, THE YUCUTANESE fund just like I threatened. My blog will then be extremely intrusive and will make you people feel sorry for middle aged, slightly impoverished, soup kitchen dwelling beings.
You have been warned.
You can laugh I'm just kidding. But yo could poll or comment :)

Ladies And Gits: Guest Speaker In Tha House

The 8th graders are well into their reproductive organs unit. Yesterday my innovative and always crude male sibling came home with some inciting, new information. The clock twas 'bout to strobe 8:00 on it's neon green numerals; Kannon and my matriarch started to discus the topical subject. I will spare you the details of this jocular (in Holly's mind, immensely uncomfortable) conversation.

My mother asks,"Well did she talk about non-genital sex" speaking of the teacher. Kannon replies in a rather surprised tone,"What, like butt sex!" This is of course not what my mother meant. Holly interjects between Kannon's and my wheezes of hilarity,"That would be awkward."

I think it's safe to say this was the first time she had heard this term, nor will she ever understand it.

Kannon and I averred the discourse and somehow got onto the subject of Extra-ribbed condoms! He conceded with,"They really make those that would suck. It would be like going down a bumpy road." He might be onto some new fetish. I told you he was innovative.

The Easy Way In And Out

L2k, l33t, LGH, LH6, LIK, LMIRL, LNT, LTLWDLS, LULT. Those are just a smidgen of the chat abbreviations that begin with "L". I cannot begin to exert how much I wish I could turn these not-words into a file with a really long and hateful name and then proceed to delete them into the recycle bin of damnation. Then since i don't believe in damnation I would delete the recycle bin and all it entirety. I understand but loathe the use of these. They are, in my mind killing and re-birthing a generation of the English language. But to get of this soap-box and get on another let me tell you my take on some of these abbreviations. I approve of smiley faces but to say *W* instead of ;); this addles my mind to thinking about The Jack Black Jig. ABC= already been chewed; to my understanding when our generation has kids we will teach them their Already Been Chewed's and their LH6's-you know what it means. Apparently as I surf the matrix as think, NE means "any"; that 1 less letter, which would probably take a 1/15th of a second. Why? Would you people have to communicate through telegrams like that little dirty boy from the School House Rock song "Nervous System". I didn't think so. Repent your cyber-sins and respect the keyboards. Now on a jovial note I will tell you the abbreviations that I condone: LIMT= Laughing in my tummy; LTLWDLS= Let's twist like we did last summer, i'm waiting to use that for a really special person; A/S/L= Age/sex/location, that's ...um; BISFLATM= Boy, I sure feel like a turquoise monkey?

Check out Max's blog=C&G
http://maxoutcry.blogspot.com/
URCZYM

baL tsoP fO nuF ehT

To day I got on the bus like any other day. Put in my head phones eagerly pleading for the decibels of relief from the roaring yellow tube. I serenade myself with renditions of Forever feat. STUDS (or Drake, Kanye, Lil Wayne, and Eminem). Halfway through the coarse home I notice something funny about Kannons post lab worksheet. He was supposed to compare results yielded from his paper bridges and how many pennies they could hold. He is not your average everyday speller. No, he will try to write a word but create a new word and his brain preforms an incredible phenomenon of not recognizing the new word. He had written the word PENIS three times on his worksheet. If you asked him to spell penis he could, but the fact that he spelled the word pennies-penis;this fact astounds me. I felt like a missionary that was tying (ineffectively) to teach rambunctious third world children English and they just laugh at me like I have a bugger hanging out of my nose but they don't tell me because it's funny and they don't know how. That's what Kannon was like just maniacally laughing that he was going to turn in homework that had "penis" on it.

Niagara Spark

When I was in 2nd or 3rd grade, my memory is like that of a piece of phosphorus metal reacting with water...um...oh it's about as good as that analogy, I went on a field trip to Niagara Cave. I don't know how the Montessori payed for said field trip because usually we would just go to Ready farm for the day or maybe down behind where the old Subway was to look at algae, yeeeeaaaaaa that was always a real pleasant treat with the nauseating mix between car wash runoff and swamp scum. But nonetheless we were in Niagara Cave. The scenery consisted of stalactites, stalagmites, and an underground pool of water. Now when the Miss Adviser Lady tells you not to touch, as an imature 2nd or 3rd grader(still not coming to me) told not to touch it is honestly 2nd or 3rd nature, you touch. And I was the master of this tricky art. She said don't touch the walls because of the oils in our skin will break down the ancient rock formations. I touched, in fact I dragged my hand along the wall in defiance, loving every second of existence subtracted because of my contributions. Now the water in the under ground pool, let me tell you...well... type you, it was COLD. That's what I imagine space to be like. I couldn't wrongly touch anything for 10 minutes because I had lost all motor control. I just feel sorry for the creature that kills all those female spelunkers in that movie that I can't think of the name (not looking good for me right now). Now nearing the end of the tour I pick up a rock, which apparently you're supposed to pay for in the gift shop and not pick them up on your own but how was I supposed to know that. I drop the rock. I know it's wrong and I really have never been in trouble up till now in my life but something just feels wrong. Unless you count my mom yelling at me when I was a toddler for eating a full stick of butter. But what do I do now? I pick the rock up and in all honesty, it was just a rock and it's not like a shard of the Berlin Wall (Max:). I act consciously inconspicuous, which probably looked really suspicious, for the remainder of the field trip. As we are preparing to leave a teacher confronts me and i receive a sharp reprimand. Someone had ratted me out. Then I am forced to present the rock to the gift shop keeper and confess my sins like a serial killer to a priest hoping to be pardoned. Then i am told to replace the rock. All that goes through my mind is I AM NOT GOING DOWN THERE ALONE. But they make me. So I halfheartedly sprint down 1 flight of rickety stairs that lead to the cave and throw the rock like a over the hill, go for broke, what have you pitcher.

Things you want to do with your life
1. See a pop concert be is invaded by bats and Mr. Flaherty swoon all of them with Japanese._______

2. Watch Fantasia 2000._______

3. Hear about Quad stealing a rock from Niagara Cave when he was in 2nd or 3rd grade.CHECK

You're welcome :)

In Dream

I am in a eggshell white tiled room with grime and mildew on all possible edges. Flickering florescent lights intrigue me to believe that I am in a low budget horror film. As a cloaked figure approaches me and my friends, Matt, Max, Kent, Molly, Jaylene, and Laura, all of whom I now realize are just as confounded as I. The cloaked figure speaks to us in a deep bold mono-tone; another horror cliche. He presents to us that I must guess the time in order to save us. If I guess the time of the day within 1 minute, I save myself. If within 50 seconds I save another person and so on through 10 second intervals. If I do not triumph over this task, as I am presented as the dark figure moves aside, whomever I don't save will be shown the wrath of six black operating tables that can only be used for so many things. Now of course I have to guess the time because this is my dream, but I still have my sense of righteousness. Another side note THERE ARE NO WINDOWS.

As Kent bawls, Max just shivers uncontrollably, and Matt, of course, screams vulgar and violent remarks at me. All I could do was bid them good bye and condolences. I usher the girls out of this mind-trip. Apparently I guessed the time within 30 seconds and I would rather know that Matt suffered than any of them. Sorry buddy, you could take it. Now that I reflect upon this dream I could have sacrificed myself and save four of six, but I didn't. I was the savior and the condemner. Also I really would have liked to know what the tables were for, Matt, Max, Kent, you decide.

Continuous Failed Arson Attempts

This is following up my entry about Kannon's brutality towards his only brother. This is where you give a slight "Aww" but not really care.

I'm brushing my teeth with an intensity in my eyes that says good-bye to plaque and gingivitis. Like a champion sheep shearer I attack with precision and power. As I go around my teeth with one last lap I feel a sudden pain that is all too familiar. Out of the corner of my eye I see Kannon sprint towards our room.
He had thrown a crudely constructed paper airplane into my left eye.
Once again, so it is my nature, I do not retaliate.

Now I'm in my closet preparing for sleep when a couple things happen in almost an instant. Kannon jumped into the closet. He ignited a blow torch. Tried to light my clothing and I on fire. Locked me into, what he thought was, a burning closet.
Once again, so it is my nature, I do not retaliate.

I'm cuddling up into the protective warmth of my bed. I feel a foreign object on my leg. A dead bird? A knife that killed a bird? An Enya CD? What could it be but the paper airplane that penetrated my eye only minutes before. I discard it across the room to be picked up at a later date when... Kannon bursts through the door with a wild gleam in his eye that says "I really like this blow torch" What could he do? He picks up the now humiliating paper airplane. Lights it. And proceeds to do the unthinkable.
He tried to light my bed on fire with me in it.
I awoke dumbstruck.
Once again, so it is my nature, I do not retaliate.
But his excuse to my mother was that he was in total control of the situation. Firm reprimand- I think not.
Now my bed smells of the fresh aroma of a nicely stoked bonfire riddled with bleached copy paper.
thanks Kannon.

Camels: Lethargic Exoduster or Pulchritudinous Mode of Portage

This is my persuasive essay
*disclaimer: I seriously do not condone any of these acts. They are putrid and one should only stoop to these lows if they are in a pretty bad-to-slightly life threatening situation. Sorry for the fact that it rambles on a bit but I kinda wanted a descent-to-fairly good grade. And now i will stop using this repetitive-to-rather lame method of measuring things. Enjoy.

One might see such dromedaries in a torrid Arabian setting, lumbering along at dreadfully slow paces. But in fact, they have a myriad of uses including their profuse efficiency, exuberant amount of health benefits, and the fact that unlike their horse brethren, they require miniscule amounts of maintenance. Camels should become a main mode of transportation not solely because they are “truly wonderful animals” but because they are more economically friendly too .

The amount of money spent on a horse includes vet services, utilities, track, bedding, training, labor, and other miscellaneous supplies; while on the other hand, a horse requires very little of each of these tedious things. Camels rarely get sick or injured, they require no bedding since they have been trained to sleep on the Sahara sands at night, and camels usually need no training due to their extremely affectionate nature. Also they consume much less food and water than horses, since they are accustomed to venturing long and far without supplies and necessities most and animals would succumb without.

Camels have a slew of benefits that would tempt any wary traveler. The milk of a camel is highly nutritious. It contains 3 times more Vitamin C than cow’s milk and also contains Vitamin B, Iron, and vital unsaturated fatty acids and is known to treat hepatitis. According to Anthony Fletcher,” Another major [benefit] is that … camel[‘s] milk keeps longer than cow's.” Camel urine has been known to treat skin diseases as ringworm, tinea, abscesses, sores, and ulcers. It also cleanses and conditions hair. And surprisingly enough camel dung can cure dysentery and be used as a cooking aid.

Dromedaries and Bactrians are also utterly efficient mammals. They require little food and can go without water for days on end. They store fat, not water, in their humps on their backs which allows them to extract necessary energy from that in trying times. They can also carry immensely heavy loads that would make any horse buckle.

Now most people see camels as exceedingly sluggish creatures. This is the reason so many people would chose to ride a horse to rescue a fair maiden from a keep. While horses are much more glamorous camels are more practical, and by no means are they slow. They can maintain speeds of 25 mph for over an hour and can sprint 40 mph for shorter distances.

Camels are known as the “ships of the desert” even though they thrive in almost any climate. They produce many healthful assets and have proven themselves worthy and efficient vessels of movement. In the coming days they shall be know, to all people of the land, by Latin as mundus traba or in English the “ships of the world”.

P.S. I don't even know if that's the right latin

A Day, Well 2 hours, in the Life

I returned from school on a Tuesday, in my opinion the worst day of the week, idk why don't ask me it just is. I was in a sour mod for the fact that Kannon and I had endured one half hour of garbage getting thrown at us from a girl that likes Kannon. Beside the point that will soon reveal itself. As is my everyday routine I enter the kitchen with a relief of a good meal and sanctuary. As I open the fridge it's cool air washes over me like penetrating and invasive lasers at a techno rave concert. For a better analogy it was like bathing in warm butterscotch pudding except cold. To my dismay the fridge is packed to the brim with food since my mom went to the always low priced Woodman's (employee owned). She had also rearranged everything. My hunger is percolating and I can't seem to find the necessary ingredients for a Gyroza. For those of you who don't know what a Gyroza is let me elaborate through this text. Best-Thing-Ever To-Eat-After-School. or a pizza on gyro bread. I'm starting to get frantic. I call out to my mom.She doesn't answer. Kannon sits in the corner of the kitchen with a smug triumphant grin. He is already eating a pizza not a gyroza. After I make the pizza, yes I found the stuff and i am not proud of how, and i will save you the grueling process of making it. I start to feel very sleepy. Enter through the threshold into my living room where I lie down on the couch. The couch caresses and supports my dangling limbs. I feel like a fallen warrior riding the back of a steed toward safety.
I awake. My head is throbbing with a instant searing pressure. My first thought, "Shoot Hellboy is in my house".No he's fictional, "Monkeys with spearguns. I'll just pretend that I'm dead" Also fiction. Could it be...
I open my eyes cautiously, as to avoid any more projectiles. through the blur i see Kannon running into the kitchen calling my mother. I come around and find a remote to a almost vintage Philips DVD player that my sister has chewed on countless times. I was like sherlock holmes putting together the case of the great remote caper. But before i could do any super-sleuthing I heard Kannon confessing to mom that I was going to wake up in a bad mood.
Apparently in Kannon's world when you want wake someone out of a slumber you simply throw a remote at their head from point-blank range.
When I confronted Kannon about this mishap he tried to convince me that he was "helping me come to dinner." NO. I told him even if i was awake there was no way that i could have blocked this RPR ( rocket propelled remote) from my trajectory, because my arms were awkwardly pinned beneath my body. He came up with the strong rebuttal of " well you could have stopped it if you really wanted to." Thanks Kannon.